9.10.07

Four Months Gone Already

I keep thinking about Dad and when he died. The hospital room that day, the way he "talked" with his eyes until the very end. I keep remembering the last breath he took. I can't help it and I hate to think of it and I wish I could think of other things. Better things.
Not long after Dad died Mark and I thought we would go fishing at the creek. I went into Mom and Dads garage to get Dad's tackle box. I picked it up, opened it up and my mouth dropped open. Inside were a jillion cigarette butts. Neatly packed on top of his lures. In fact it looked like they belonged there. Obviously he hadn't quit smoking. I guess I knew that...deep inside I knew it. I shook my head and Mark and Mom stood there with their mouths dropped open. I felt such a...dismay...it seems like I was always telling my Dad not to smoke when I was a little girl. I hated the smell...although sometimes now I like the slight whiff of a cigarette burning... I don't smoke...can't stand it...I remember thinking...I wonder when he will die of cancer back when I was little.
terrible thoughts
Mom and I picked out a headstone. There is a fishing scene on the back. The only thing it needs is a cigarette and the picture would look like him.
Wish I could sleep

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4 Comments:

Blogger Sarah said...

I was wondering how you have been doing. Is it getting slightly easier? Does it EVER get easier? Regardless, you are in my thoughts.

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Allyson said...

I know what your goin through, Both my parents smoked when i was growing up, and all i could think was how bad that was for them. But they wouldn't listen. and now it's been almost 3 years since my dad passed away from lung cancer. Eventually it gets easier, i promise. You will miss them for ever, But you will get a new routine, and you will learn, Life goes on. I'm sorry for your loss. stay strong...
Allyson

5:27 PM  
Blogger Misery Marketing said...

Im not sure if Im happy that I searched "dad has cancer" on google.Ive read all the posts. Ive teared up and Ive become more prepared for the future. Dad starts radiation and chemo this week. I guess the best thing that could possible come from this could be the fact that I am struggling to quit smoking. I quit for a month but started a few days ago. Im not smoking allot yet and I could quit right now without much withdrawals. I just crumpled my last cigarette into the trash. My wife and my ex-wife smoke too. I dont want my kids to worry like I worried about my Mom or you about your Dad. Evil little bastards those cigarettes are. Addiction sucks. Cancer sucks.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Dr.Chatwin said...

Smoking can hook you because cigarettes contain nicotine which is highly addictive. But being hooked is not an excuse why you cannot quit smoking. Smoking has been proven by several researches to be great threat to one's health that is why there is no reason why one who is already hooked to it should not quit smoking. http://www.besthealthmed.com/quit_smoking.html

11:23 AM  

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